A So Cal Girl in the Desert

On December 15th, I got a speeding ticket. Yes, grandma-driver me got a speeding ticket. It was deserved, but certainly not so compared to most of society. I was traveling along the 347 between Maricopa and Chandler after picking B up from school. I was in the slow lane going with the flow of traffic (75 in a 65) and got popped, along with about ten other drivers. We were ambushed, I tell you! They must have pulled us in the slow lane over because they couldn't catch the drivers gong 90 in the fast lane. It seems kinda unfair, but since my son was with me, and, technically, I was in the wrong, I couldn't make too much of a stink to the kind sir officer that approached my window.

He politely reported that I was traveling at a speed of 75 when the speed limit was 65. I said "You're probably right. Since I was traveling in the slow lane with the flow of traffic and drivers were passing me left and right in the fast lane, I didn't even look at my speedometer." Maybe not the best choice of words, but truthful. His response was "license and registration."

When he walked away to write the ticket, my son said, "Why are you getting a ticket when everyone else was going faster than you?" THAT'S how blatant it was. The eight year old saw the injustice. But I had to act like a grown up and try to pull some good out of this shitty situation, so I decided to try to make it a lesson for him. I said, "Well, B, while the other traffic was going much faster than I was, I was still speeding, and it wasn't right. Just because everyone else is breaking the rules doesn't mean it's okay for you or I to do it, too, and there are consequences if we do break the rules. Getting a speeding ticket and having to pay a lot of money is a grown-up consequence that's not very fun, so that's why we're trying to teach you now with kid consequences so you learn and you don't have to experience the grown-up ones."

He immediately said "Can I tell my dad you got a ticket?" Clearly, lesson learned: Kristen, my evil stepmother who always tells me when I'm wrong, screwed up, and I can't WAIT to tell someone.

I replied "Sure you can, as long as you tell him the lesson you learned as a result of my getting a ticket."

"Okay."

So we continued on home at a snail's pace. B read out loud the "You've just received a traffic ticket. What do you do now?" pamphlet the officer gave me, and reported that the code on my ticket corresponded to the $115.00 fine on the pamphlet. That didn't seem too bad. But then when you add in the cost of traffic school, and the hassle. Damn!

When we got home, B skipped through the front door and announced "Kristen got a speeding ticket!!!!" My husband immediately burst out in laughter. Great job on reinforcing the lesson, honey. I said to B, "and..." and he said "Um, and I learned not to go with the flow of traffic."

EXCELLENT! What does it take, kid? No, you learned that if you're gonna speed, be sure to outrun the cops. No...you learned that the faster you go, the fewer tickets you get. No... "You learned that even if everyone else is breaking the rules, it's not okay for you to break the rules."

"Oh, yeah," he said. "She has to pay $115.00, Dad!"

So it took me until yesterday to actually look at the ticket and the pamphlet. I hadn't gotten a speeding ticket for over ten years. Dang. My court date read: January 12, 2006, so I figured all I'd have to do between now and then was figure out where the court house is and get there and say "I plead, guilty, judge, but please pretty please let me go to traffic school so my insurance rates don't go through the f-ing roof." Not the case. Things are different here in the Zone.

If I want to go to traffic school, and it says I'm eligible on the pamphlet, I have to complete traffic school BEFORE my court date. Crap! I wondered if I still had time. I called the number for NTSI, the National Traffic Safety Institute, and spoke to Margie. She informed me that there are no traffic schools in my city, Maricopa. Duh. We just got a grocery store. And where would I like to go. "I'd like to go online, please." Duh. Why do anything clothed when you can do it in PJs is my motto. She said she would allow it, and after taking my credit card information, told me that $115.00 would be charged to my card, including the traffic ticket. SWEET! Going to traffic school costs no more than the original ticket. As I recall, this is NOT the case in CA. I now have to complete a 6-8 hour online course, during which they will ask me 20 personal questions about myself, which I will have to answer correctly to make sure it's me taking the course. So she started in on the questions. Do you own a home? Do you have any children? Do you have any pets? Is blue your favorite color? Have you ever been to Mexico? Have you ever been to Hawaii? Have you ever been to Europe? Is this your first speeding ticket? Is football your favorite sport? Are you married? Do you like hamburgers? On and on...I just hope I remember how I answered all the questions. And I hope that the government is not now keeping a top secret file on me and all my travels, food preferences, and roommates. Kinda scary, huh?

Anyway, after I successfully complete the course, I have to take an 83-question test in front of a notary. I guess that means I can't cheat, but not so! I've figured out a way. I'm not really a cheater. I hate people who cheat at board games, and I never cheated in school, but traffic school? Please! I'm a great driver. I'm going to take the easiest, quickest, least honorable way out of this mess. Who knows? I might even learn a few choice AZ traffic laws that don't exist in CA, even if I do cheat. I'll let you know if I turn up anything crazy. So here's my cheating plan: 1) Wait 'til they send me the test in the mail. 2) Make a copy of the test. 3) Look up all the answers to the test online (so I don't have to read the whole darn thing) and write them down on the copied test. 4) Memorize the answers. 5) Go to the notary. That simple. But now that I put it in writing, maybe it would be more efficient to just read the whole thing. Hmmmm. I guess I'll have to decide once I start the course. To cheat or not to cheat? The age-old question.

If I successfully complete the course in time, the ticket gets wiped from my record, and I never even have to show my face in court. I just can't get another ticket for 24 months. That seems like a really long time, but when you consider it's been over ten years since my last ticket, it shouldn't be too rough. Plus, I'm kinda getting used to driving 65 on the 347. Grandma Kristen rides again!